A Wedding©

You are cordially invited
to witness the union of
Marta Stuyvesant-Brown
To Godzilla, King of the Monsters
3 O'Clock P.M.
Saturday, June 18

The ceremony took place on the exclusive island resort where Mr. Godzilla and several of his sometime co-stars have taken up residence. It was fine weather, clear and warm, with a pleasing breeze which carried the scent of sandalwood and sulphur. The night before had been an unbroken torrent of wind, rain, and lightning, but by dawn all that remained of this was a light fog which burned off quickly under the sun's gentle insistence.

The ceremony took place on Godzilla's private beach, where a tasteful arrangement of massive flowers framed the altar. I was informed that the blossoms came from Madame Mothra's own garden. How she manages to act, produce, direct, raise hundreds of larvae and keep a garden, I can't imagine. She was in attendance, of course, wearing a stunning Bob Mackie gown that served to assure the skeptics that yes, she has indeed taken off the lingering weight of her last pregnancy. Others in attendance included Rodan, Anguirus, Gorosaurus, Gigan and Megalon (their own union having been made official earlier this year in Massachussetts), and David and Courtney Cox-Arquette. Godzilla's ex-wife Madame White Snake was noticeably absent, though their sons served as ushers. I have it on good authority that King Kong had been invited but was unable to attend as he is back at Hazelden after a relapse.

Matthew Broderick served as best man; he and Godzilla have been good friends since they toured together on The Producers. (During the toast later, Broderick garnered big laughs by saying that he had been certain that he and Godzilla had worked on a film together in the late nineties, but the stage lights were far more forgiving than the camera.)

The bride wore Vera Wang, and looked positively stunning for a woman who survived a massive dose of radiation as an infant. This is her first marriage, but if she was concerned by the fact that Godzilla has been twice divorced she gave no sign. Her father walked her down the aisle, waved rather nervously up at Godzilla, and scurried back to his seat.

King Ghidorah performed the service; it seems that back in the seventies he answered an ad in the back of Rolling Stone and became a minister in the Church of the Cosmic Lotus. He appeared to have begun celebrating a bit early, as his second head snored throughout the ceremony and the third ogled all the eligible women in the congregation. The bride and groom had written their own vows, and they were so heartfelt and elegant that Gigan sobbed openly, inadvertently igniting the hair-piece of the man in front of him with his eye-beams.

Following the brief ceremony, the guests adjourned to the valley where the couple will be making their home. Conversation was a challenge, as the photographers kept the bridal party moving from one picturesque spot to another, and the groom's footfalls dislodged many a stray boulder from the canyons above the footpaths. Nonetheless, I had an engaging chat with several of my fellow guests, including Mrs. Rodan, a distressingly small woman with a rather ribald sense of humor. Drinks in hand, we discussed pesto recipes, the decline of Radiohead, and the resurgence of tokusatsu kaiju until Mr. and Mrs. Godzilla rejoined us.

After a dinner of light pasta salad and heavy quiche--the couple are both vegetarian--the music began. The most recent lineup of Blue Öyster Cult played the reception, though they were at times difficult to hear over the stomping of the guests. For the first dance they played "Return to Me," a favorite of the bride, and from there the music got faster and louder, with a break every third or fourth song for a slow dance. I briefly tripped the lights fantastic with King Ghidorah, but fled the dance floor when he tried to rest one of his heads on my shoulder.

The evening was marred only by the sudden and unexpected appearance of Gamera, who was both drunk and uninvited. He made some comments about the bride (it seems they used to date) which sent Godzilla into a rage. Rodan and Gorosaurus were drawn into the dispute, and a number of guests were killed in the ensuing melee, despite the efforts of Madame Mothra and her brood. But for the survivors, as well as for the happy couple, it was a day not to be forgotten.

(Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, Anguirus, Gorosaurus, Minya, Gigan, Megalon, Madame White Snake, and King Ghidorah are all property of Toho Studios. King Kong is property of Universal Pictures. Gamera is property of Daiei Motion Picture Company. Matthew Broderick is property of Sarah Jessica Parker.)