Sunday, June 19, 2005

A Wedding©

You are cordially invited
to witness the union of
Marta Stuyvesant-Brown
To Godzilla, King of the Monsters
3 O'Clock P.M.
Saturday, June 18

The ceremony took place on the exclusive island resort where Mr. Godzilla and several of his sometime co-stars have taken up residence. It was fine weather, clear and warm, with a pleasing breeze which carried the scent of sandalwood and sulphur. The night before had been an unbroken torrent of wind, rain, and lightning, but by dawn all that remained of this was a light fog which burned off quickly under the sun's gentle insistence.

The ceremony took place on Godzilla's private beach, where a tasteful arrangement of massive flowers framed the altar. I was informed that the blossoms came from Madame Mothra's own garden. How she manages to act, produce, direct, raise hundreds of larvae and keep a garden, I can't imagine. She was in attendance, of course, wearing a stunning Bob Mackie gown that served to assure the skeptics that yes, she has indeed taken off the lingering weight of her last pregnancy. Others in attendance included Rodan, Anguirus, Gorosaurus, Gigan and Megalon (their own union having been made official earlier this year in Massachussetts), and David and Courtney Cox-Arquette. Godzilla's ex-wife Madame White Snake was noticeably absent, though their sons served as ushers. I have it on good authority that King Kong had been invited but was unable to attend as he is back at Hazelden after a relapse.

Matthew Broderick served as best man; he and Godzilla have been good friends since they toured together on The Producers. (During the toast later, Broderick garnered big laughs by saying that he had been certain that he and Godzilla had worked on a film together in the late nineties, but the stage lights were far more forgiving than the camera.)

The bride wore Vera Wang, and looked positively stunning for a woman who survived a massive dose of radiation as an infant. This is her first marriage, but if she was concerned by the fact that Godzilla has been twice divorced she gave no sign. Her father walked her down the aisle, waved rather nervously up at Godzilla, and scurried back to his seat.

King Ghidorah performed the service; it seems that back in the seventies he answered an ad in the back of Rolling Stone and became a minister in the Church of the Cosmic Lotus. He appeared to have begun celebrating a bit early, as his second head snored throughout the ceremony and the third ogled all the eligible women in the congregation. The bride and groom had written their own vows, and they were so heartfelt and elegant that Gigan sobbed openly, inadvertently igniting the hair-piece of the man in front of him with his eye-beams.

Following the brief ceremony, the guests adjourned to the valley where the couple will be making their home. Conversation was a challenge, as the photographers kept the bridal party moving from one picturesque spot to another, and the groom's footfalls dislodged many a stray boulder from the canyons above the footpaths. Nonetheless, I had an engaging chat with several of my fellow guests, including Mrs. Rodan, a distressingly small woman with a rather ribald sense of humor. Drinks in hand, we discussed pesto recipes, the decline of Radiohead, and the resurgence of tokusatsu kaiju until Mr. and Mrs. Godzilla rejoined us.

After a dinner of light pasta salad and heavy quiche--the couple are both vegetarian--the music began. The most recent lineup of Blue Öyster Cult played the reception, though they were at times difficult to hear over the stomping of the guests. For the first dance they played "Return to Me," a favorite of the bride, and from there the music got faster and louder, with a break every third or fourth song for a slow dance. I briefly tripped the lights fantastic with King Ghidorah, but fled the dance floor when he tried to rest one of his heads on my shoulder.

The evening was marred only by the sudden and unexpected appearance of Gamera, who was both drunk and uninvited. He made some comments about the bride (it seems they used to date) which sent Godzilla into a rage. Rodan and Gorosaurus were drawn into the dispute, and a number of guests were killed in the ensuing melee, despite the efforts of Madame Mothra and her brood. But for the survivors, as well as for the happy couple, it was a day not to be forgotten.

(Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, Anguirus, Gorosaurus, Minya, Gigan, Megalon, Madame White Snake, and King Ghidorah are all property of Toho Studios. King Kong is property of Universal Pictures. Gamera is property of Daiei Motion Picture Company. Matthew Broderick is property of Sarah Jessica Parker.)


Anonymous Kelly Link said...

Nobody did the chicken dance?

7:31 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

Briefly, yes. Minilla started it, but the bride put it to a quick halt after the top four stories of the wedding cake (a fondant masterpiece designed by Cesar Pelli and Colette Peters, and adorned with over five thousand handmade sugar cherry blossoms) collapsed.

9:54 PM  
Blogger Celia said...

Drinks in hand, we discussed pesto recipes, the decline of Radiohead,

Okay, clearly you were drunk and thus can't be blamed for your seriously bad conversational topics. But just in case you were in your right mind: Decline? They're not in decline! It's just a phase! They'll grow out of it, and you'll regret ever having drawn attention to it.

Also, by 'stories' in the wedding cake, I'm assuming you're talking about 12' slabs of a delicately flavored lemon sponge.

11:13 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

Ms. Celia, I fear you are taking this all too much to heart. Hm. I don't suppose that the widespread disdain of Coldplay among the wedding guests would have cheered you. Rodan does a hilarious Chris Martin impression.

9:06 AM  
Blogger Celia said...

A.) Anyone who names their child Apple deserves to be mocked by Japanese monsters.

B.) I feel that simply because they came after Radiohead, all Radiohead-like bands can be mocked to some extent, even though presumably they're at least in part just being punished for having bad timing. Though I prefer attention is concentrated on bands like Coldplay, which not only started out by sounding like Bends-era Radiohead, but is apparently going to go through their career with Bends-era sound, unlike Muse (mmm. Absolution) and Travis (mmm. 12 Memories.) who both demonstrated growth and change onto their own paths in recent albums.

But Radiohead is sacred and can not be mocked even when they make bad (bad bad) choices. (Also, Unbelievable Truth can't be mocked either, since it's Thom Yorke's younger brother's band, and thus is allowed to sound Radiohead-ish by genetics, and anyways, Andy writes better lyrics which balances out the sound similarities.)

(yes, the servers are still down and making my work nearly non-existent.)

12:15 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

I have no argument with A.

With B, however, you're treading on dangerous ground. Radiohead didn't spring fully-formed from the skull of Euterpe; they stole their melancholy from the Smiths, their tapestry guitars from My Bloody Valentine, and their name from Talking Heads. Not that there's anything wrong with stealing in and of itself, but Radiohead is by no means sacred, young one.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Celia said...

and they stole the title of their first album from a Jerky Boys bit that's sampled on it. It's not about stealing, it's about what you do with it once you stole it. The bands i prefer people not mock did the right things--their own things--with the stolen goods. Coldplay is apparently preserving it like a bog body. (And I don't actually have a problem with maintaining a sound across several albums any more than I have a problem with bands changing sounds dramatically between albums. I just like mocking Coldplay, even while I listen to them. Maybe especially then.)

There's a bit in a Pete Yorn live album about his song Crystal Village. "People have said I stole this next song from Cat Stevens. it's not true. I would never steal from Cat Stevens. (beat) I stole it from Wilco."

(yes, I'm bored and no one here will discuss music with me anymore, and I have all the DeathCab albums and thus CD shopping has lost some of it's allure again.)

1:33 AM  
Blogger Dave said...

It's not about stealing, it's about what you do with it once you stole it. The bands i prefer people not mock did the right things--their own things--with the stolen goods.

I have no argument with this, only with the idea of Radiohead as some Sacred Cow. Although, admittedly, I have some of my own. Stevie Wonder is the big one. Never mind that telephone song; listen to Innervisions once and tell me that man is not a national treasure and a saint.

9:28 AM  

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