Strange Things Are Afoot at the Jewel Osco*

Over the course of two visits to the grocery store in the past two days, I have experienced the following:

1. I breeze down the tea aisle to grab a box of Celestial Seasonings Chamomile. (Hey, it already killed one cold that was threatening to manifest.) The woman standing at the end of the aisle notes my purchase and says with a huge smile--the sort of smile you might see on someone who has just gotten engaged or found out that the doctor's diagnosis of cancer of the puppy was in fact erroneous--says, "That's the best stuff!" I nod in agreement. I think she was looking for a high-five, though.

2. As I pull into the parking lot, Wilco's "Theologians" comes onto the CD player. At the same moment I see a nun (habit, wimple and all: what orders still do the dress code?) carrying her groceries to her car.

3. I am waiting my turn for an automatic checkout station with my purchase (a belated birthday card for my sister: I didn't exactly forget, I called her and everything, but I didn't send anything yet). In front of me is a very skinny man in faded, torn jeans and a paint-spattered t-shirt, with a scraggly blond beard. He is next. Around the corner, oblivious to the line, comes a youthful-looking fellow with the sort of haircut that looks like it belongs on one of those Fisher-Price people I used to play with, and a nose that looks like it belongs on a resident of Gormenghast. He steps up behind a woman finishing up her transaction at the auto-checkout. Skinny and scraggly jeans guy marches up and steps in front of Fisher-Price Gormenghast man. Fisher-Price Gormenghast man says something I can't hear, and Skinny and scraggly jeans guy returns immediately to his place in the line. Fisher-Price Gormenghast guy scans his two packages of caramel apples, plucks money out of a wallet/purse thing with so many zippers that even John Taylor circa 1985 would have suggested the designer show a little restraint, pays and disappears. By this time SSJG has found another self-service register. I so wish I knew what was said there.

*Points for the reference.**

**Points have no value whatsoever.