Interview Meme

Questions via Hannah:

The Rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your livejournal/website with the answers to the questions and leave the answers as comments here (or at least provide a pointer to your site).

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

The questions:

1. I think I've asked you this before. But for all the nice people: flight or invisibility?

What can you really do with invisibility besides sneak around? Locker rooms and bank vaults would get boring after a while. So, flight. And warm flying-type clothes.

2. Could you win a cage match to defend your right to be a Dave? If not, what would we be calling you instead?

I can take Dave Foley, no problem. He's little. Letterman's big; I'll wait for him and Duchovny to sort each other out, then step in and clean up. It would be my pleasure to kick Dave Matthews' no-talent ass. Dave Attell--depends on how drunk he is. Dave Barry would try to distract me with witticisms, so the first order of business would be to kick his teeth out. Bowie and Byrne might be a threat together; best toss David Cross into the midst and let them fight it out.

Short answer? I'm a scrapper, and I'm quick. I'll wear them out. Else they can call me Bjorn.

3. Got milk?

Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?

4. What is the full list of people-who-make-movies-not-worth-watching, and what are their individual sins? Alternately, whatever portion of said list can be typed without inducing carpal tunnel.

Full list not possible. Short list, with exceptions:

Steven Spielberg: overrated hack with delusions of David Lean. Sins: Close Encounters, E.T., the middle third of Saving Private Ryan. Exceptions: anything Indiana Jones, Schindler's List, the parts of Amistad without Matthew McConaughey.

Julianne Moore: talent vaccum with mysterious ability to hypnotize critics and otherwise astute film conoisseurs. Sins: creating talent vacuum in such otherwise great films as Short Cuts, Boogie Nights, Magnolia and The Big Lebowski. Exceptions: none.

Kim Basinger: blonde mannequin with all the emotive faculties of a block of Formica. Sins: everything but L.A. Confidential. Exceptions: see sins.

Tom Cruise: Scientology-obsessed frat boy. Sins: Too many to list. Exceptions: Rain Man, Magnolia.

Russell Crowe: one-note walking ego with all the range of a tuning fork. Sins/Exceptions: see Kim Basinger.

Tom Hanks: Everyman comedian who left sense of humor with magic vending machine in Big. Sins: being Everyman in every film since Big, including aw-shucks decent family guy hitman in Road to Perdition, aw-shucks decent family guy astronaut in Apollo 13, aw-shucks decent mentally challenged family guy vet in Forrest Gump and aw-shucks decent family guy soldier in Saving Private Ryan. Exceptions: Toy Story, his decent family guy AIDS patient in Philadelphia.

Keanu Reeves: boy born with no brain but gifted with ability to mimic human speech. Sins: existing. Exception: the Bill and Ted movies.

Lawrence Fishburne: self-important schlub who appears to believe that one must become boring to be taken seriously. Sins: the Matrix atrocities, changing name from Larry. Exceptions: King of New York, Apocalypse Now, Boyz n the Hood, marrying Gina Torres.

John Travolta: Scientologist with unhappily resurrected career. Sins: almost everything. Exceptions: Get Shorty, "Welcome Back, Kotter," the scenes in Pulp Fiction when he's with Samuel L.

George Lucas: unmitigated bastard. Sins: THX-1138, having Greedo shoot first, not being assassinated in 1989. Exceptions: edited out of existence.

5. Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Neither looks good in an evening gown.