It's a Lazy-Ass Meme Sort of Day

--Hardback or paperback?
Paperback, I suppose. But hardbacks are nice too.

--Highlight or underline?
I refuse to dignify this with a response.

--Lewis or Tolkien?
Um. Peake? Nothing against the Catholic fantasists, but I'm a little bit older now.

--E.B. White or A.A. Milne?
Robert O'Brien. Or Roald Dahl. Or, if you want to go more the crime story route, Encyclopedia Brown. (Sally was my first crush.)

--T.S. Eliot or e.e. cummings?
Eliot. "I grow old . . . I grow old . . . I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled."

--Stephen King or Dean Koontz?
King. Does anyone really think Koontz is any good?

--Barnes & Noble or Borders?
--Waldenbooks or B. Dalton?
Odegaard's and Pic-A-Book and Avenue Victor Hugo, RIP. Long live the independent bookstore! Quimby's, Women and Children First, Ruminator . . .

. . . but if you really want to know, Barnes & Noble is really close.

I'm so ashamed.

--Fantasy or science fiction?
Fantasy, I guess.

(This is kind of a stupid meme.)

--Horror or suspense?
. . . I don't know. Sometimes they're almost the same. You know, the first Alien movie, which is it? Is it both?

Who wrote this meme, a twelve-year-old?

--Bookmark or dogear?
Bookmark

-Hemingway or Faulkner?
Faulkner

--Fitzgerald or Steinbeck?
Meh. Dorothy Parker.

--Homer or Plato?
Homer

--Geoffrey Chaucer or Edmund Spenser?
Yawn. Cervantes, bitch.

--Pen or pencil?
God, are you serious? Pen, if you must know. Does anyone really care?

--Looseleaf or notepad?
Notepad (yellow legal)

--Alphabetize?
ALWAYS

--Dustjacket: on or off?
On, unless it gets all torn up and I try to pretend it's not and every time I put it in my backpack it rips a little more until finally I rip it off and crumple it into a ball which contains all my rage against the fascistic machine in which we are all only cogs even those who appear to be in power and everything is really just spinning out of control and nothing will ever get better, why, dustjacket, why can't you make my life better?

--Novella or epic?
What? Is there some universe in which these two can be usefully compared and contrasted? Talk about apples and oranges. More like apples and lathes.

--John Grisham or Scott Turow?
Elmore Leonard.

--J.K. Rowling or Lemony Snicket?
This is a tough one. Rowling's earlier, shorter books were better, because instead of giving you everything you could ever want they left you wanting more. And Snicket's earliest books are better, too, because everything is fresh and they don't feel so goal-oriented. So, really, I don't freaking know.

--John Irving or John Updike?
Fuck the Johns. Bruce Jay Friedman.

--Fiction or non-fiction?
Yes, because they are mutually exclusive. Everything is a question of extremes! Choose, fool, choose! Either/or! Black or white! Democrat or Republican! Britney or Christina! Friends or Raymond!

Life is fiction. Stories are true. Everything bleeds.

--Historical biography or historical romance?
Biography.

--A few pages per sitting or finish at least a chapter?
Could this get any stupider? (Yes, I typed "stupider." I like the way it sounds.) Is this some fool's research project? Chapter, if you must know, and if you must I pity and fear you.

--Short story or creative non-fiction essay?
What's the difference?

--"It was a dark and stormy night" or "Once upon a time"?
"Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice."

--Buy or borrow?
Beg.

--Book reviews or word of mouth?
I rarely read reviews, and I rarely listen to people. (Although when I do I am usually pleased.)

TMI

Your Penis Name is: Curious George

Get your own Penis Name

Now you know.

Also, the same site says I should be a Girl Scout for Halloween. WTF?

Pulling Out the Rug

"I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, 'Mr. President, you better prepare the American people for casualties.' 'Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties.' 'Well,' I said, 'it's the way it's going to be.' And so, it was messy."

Colin Powell? No. John McCain? No. Donald Rumsfeld? No.

Give up?

That would be Pat Robertson. I shit you not.

Just Following Orders

Barth's, that is:

For Saundra

i wanted to write
a poem
that rhymes
but revolution doesn't lend
itself to be-bopping

then my neighbor
who thinks i hate
asked--do you ever write
tree poems--i like trees
so i thought
i'll write a beautiful green tree poem
peeked from my window
to check the image
noticed the school yard was covered
with asphalt
no green--no trees grow
in manhattan

then, well, i thought the sky
i'll do a big blue sky poem
but all the clouds have winged
low since no-Dick was elected

so i thought again
and it occurred to me
maybe i shouldn't write
at all
but clean my gun
and check my kerosene supply

perhaps these are not poetic
times
at all


- Nikki Giovanni

(when you see this, print poetry on your site.)

Living for the City

Attention Chicago-area folks: I will be reading this Thursday, October 21st, at Quimby's (1854 W. North Avenue) as the "local talent" portion of the Perpetual Motion Roadshow. The festivities start at 8:00. Be there or . . . or don't.