Via my agent's secret blog (not my secret agent's blog) and the "Shuffle Songs" function. It's like the Magic 8-Ball, only much more expensive and enigmatic!
1. What do you think of me, iPod?
"Every Day Should Be A Holiday" - The Dandy Warhols
Yeah, yeah, I know I get cranky sometimes. Sorry about that.
2. Will I have a happy life?
"Flash Pan Hunter" - Tom Waits
Tough to interpret this one, but the fact that A) it mentions "elaborate telescopic meats," B) has a guy named Wilhelm cutting off his fingers, and C) was co-written by William Burroughs lead me to believe that my iPod expects that I will have an interesting but not particularly joyous life.
3. What do my friends really think of me?
"A Shot In the Arm" - Wilco
Oh, you’ve changed
4. What does my S.O. think of me?
"Do-Wacka-Do" - Roger Miller
There's really no need to try and explain this one. (Except that the S.O. role is currently casting.)
5. Do people secretly lust after me?
"Nine Pound Hammer" - John Prine (traditional)
I have no idea how to take this one. On the one hand, the lyric is "This nine pound hammer/It's a little too heavy." On the other, I'm reminded of Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer," and we all know what that song is really about. (Note: if you do not know what that song is really about, it is not my place to tell you.)
6. How can I make myself happy?
"You're No Rock 'n Roll Fun" - Sleater-Kinney
I like this. The way I've always heard this song, it's about the conflict between making "serious" art and art that makes people boogie (at least in the metaphorical sense). And the tension between those two things is something I struggle with in my writing.
You're no rock 'n roll fun
like a party that's over
before it's begun
You're no walk in the park
more like a shot in the dark
with clues left for no one
And all the boys in the band
know how to get down
fill our Christmas socks
with whiskey drinks
and chocolate bars
And when the evening ends we won't
be thinking of you then
Although the best man
won't hang out with the girl band!
Nice answer, iPod. I'll work on it.
7. What should I do with my life?
"Little Red Rivi Airhead" - Junior Brown
Um. I'm supposed to buy a sports car, find a woman who's "not that smart" but has the same car, and have kids with her? Strike one, iPod.
8. Why must life be so full of pain?
"Johnny Sunshine" - Liz Phair
That's not an explanation!
You took the car
It was my favorite one
A little white Dart
And drove it to Idaho
You took the horse
It was a thoroughbred
Saddled it up
Out on the interstate
You kept the cat
Put it in antifreeze
Dumped in the trunk
with the rest of the cattlefeed
You took the house
You went and changed the locks
Now I am stuck
Living out of a box
An illustration, maybe. But not an explanation.
9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
"Carolyn" - Merle Haggard
I'm supposed to go out and hire a hooker?!?
10. Can you give me some advice?
"Revolution Year Zero" - Poster Children
Start the revolution. Check. Anyone know where I can get a black beret?
11. What do you think happiness is?
"On Earth" - The Sundays
A song about heaven on earth. Works for me, at least in theory.
12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?
"Graveyard Shift" - Uncle Tupelo
Seize the day? Is that what you're trying to tell me?
13. Will I die happy?
"High Water" - Bob Dylan
I got a cravin' love for blazin' speed
I got a hopped up Mustang Ford
Jump into the wagon, love
Throw your panties overboard
I can write you poems, make a strong man lose his mind
I'm no pig without a wig, I hope you treat me kind
Things are breakin' up out there
Sounds all right to me.